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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22438072">The Soul of a Dreamer (the soul of a selfish man)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_human_toast/pseuds/the_human_toast'>the_human_toast</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Iron Man (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Abuse, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Maria Stark's Good Parenting, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide, non sexual child abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 10:48:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,055</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22438072</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_human_toast/pseuds/the_human_toast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony never thought he'd make it to 2020. It still seems like such a bizarre thing to be alive when he has lived his whole life in an self-destructive cycle that makes him wake up each day and not give a fuck if he will ever again see the morning. But he's here, in a lonely penthouse with a glass of whiskey in his hand and much more alcohol in his system.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Howard Stark &amp; Maria Stark &amp; Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Soul of a Dreamer (the soul of a selfish man)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey guys. I've written a bunch of stuff but AnxIEty has always kept me from posting anything. I hope you like this, sorry if it's shit. Be careful, trigger warning of suicide, explicit mention of child abuse (non sexual) and self hatred. Please take care of yourself, if there is anything on that list that may trigger you get out of here. All my love.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Its New Year’s Eve. Only ten minutes until the goddamn decade is over. Tony takes a sip of the whiskey in his hand. He can hear the fireworks popping in the sky. He looks at the beautiful blasts of color they leave behind. He never thought he'd make it to 2020. It still seems like such a bizarre thing to be alive when he has lived his whole life in an self-destructive cycle that makes him wake up each day and not give a fuck if he will ever again see the morning. But he's here, in a lonely penthouse with a glass of whiskey in his hand and much more alcohol in his system. He doesn't like himself very much. He has the ego of a hero and the soul of a selfish man, he knows all this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(the soul of a selfish man).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In a drunk delirium, he sees Maria by his side. Her gentle hands reach out for his face and clean up the tear tracks he hadn't noticed were there. (Get your shit together, Stark men don’t cry). Maria smiles at him, sweet and kind: "ti voglio bene regazzo", she says. He takes his hand to his mouth and bites on the soft meet between his thumb and his index until he can taste the metallic taste of blood: "I love you too…please don't go mom. I've missed you too much; please don’t go". His mouth tastes like blood. Bitter, so bitter and its his mom who he sees but his mouth tastes like blood and all he can think about is his father. (Stark man don’t cry, Anthony! Stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry). And he thinks of the cigarette scars that never really healed under his waistband. He thinks of how he wakes up screaming with the scars burning and hurting. It’s so painful, he's a twelve-year-old boy again who thinks he might die because it hurts so bad. He thinks of how, in order to stop the fucking burning, he has to scratch the scars until they're not scars but bleeding wounds that still hurt, but not because of Howard, that still burn but not as bad.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His mother takes his hand from his mouth and kisses the wound "Tony, what has your father done?" She asks. (She is not real. She is not real. She is not real) and Tony knows he was the one that hurt himself. He knows his hand is bleeding because he bit it but he wants to say that his father hurt him (mom: I don’t know how to be a decent human being because of him; mom, I’m drinking my ass off in New Year’s Eve because I keep on pushing everyone away; mom I didn't want to be this way, he made me this way, mom, I hate him, I hate him, mom, I hate me too).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maria kisses his hand. "Tony you are good; you are my beautiful boy with the soul of a dreamer" (the soul of a selfish man). Tony wants to cry. His mouth tastes like blood; his mouth tastes bitter and he is a selfish man. The cigarette scars burn under his waistband and he has to bury his fingernails in the pink moons so that they stop burning, burning, burning. He can hear Howard laughing and he wants to cry (Stark men don’t cry! Stark men don’t cry! You want a reason to cry, Anthony?) Maria takes in her hands Tony’s face. “I love you mom; please don’t go. I love you mom please don’t go. I love you mom please don’t go!”.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maria fades into smoke right in front of him and Tony falls from the couch as he reaches for her in an attempt of not letting go of her again. Tony finishes the glass in one long bitter sip.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He knows Jarvis would be bitching about his drinking habits if he hadn’t muted the damn thing. He appreciates self-destructing in silence, thank you very much.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The cigarette’s scars itch under his waistband and he wants to rip them off. And he wants his mother to be there and tell him that he will be alright. To kiss it better and sing him a fucking lullaby. But mommy isn't here and the itch is burning, burning, burning because of Howard. And Tony knows how much more something hurts when it was Howard who hurt him, and because Tony knows this he thinks of hurting himself, of cutting off pounds of meat because that would be less painful than the phantom of a cigarette pressed to his tight years ago.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He takes to his lips the glass to numb the itch with something less aggressive than blood. But the glass is empty. Fucking empty and Tony is done feeling so fucking useless, so he throws the glass at the floor and watches it break into dust.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wants to take off his shoes and dance on the glass. He wants his feet to bleed, bleed, bleed. He wants to bleed out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>New York never sleeps and in the light of fireworks it seems more alive than ever, but when Tony looks around all he sees is a city empty of anything he loves. He takes with trembling drunk fingers one of the biggest pieces of glass on the floor. His hand is slow because of the alcohol but it's still Tony's hand: the hand of an engineer. It knows of pressure and detail; it knows of pressure so when it takes the glass it keep on pressing presses until it bleeds.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tony takes the glass and presses the sharpest tip to his throat. There is too little skin between the glass and his jugular. He can feel his own spiking pulse in his grasp of the glass.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(The hand of an engineer. It knows of pressure and detail)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(It knows of pressure)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(It knows of pressure, so it presses).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tony Stark is bleeding out but the cigarette’s scars don’t burn anymore. Maria is back at his side; she brings Tony's head to her lap and sings him a lullaby.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tony Stark is bleeding out but the cigarette’s scars don't burn anymore, so it's ok.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(The soul of a dreamer.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"There are no dreams here, mom. Dad killed them.</p>
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